


Touch Starved

by professortennant



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Destiel - Freeform, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Panic Attack, touch starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-17
Updated: 2013-02-17
Packaged: 2017-11-29 15:22:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/688470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/professortennant/pseuds/professortennant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean hates that Cas does this to him. Hates that he can't keep his eyes off the angel's every movement, hates that his heart beats a little bit harder, panicking when Cas leaves the room. He hates that his stomach churns when he can't see a tan trench coat, solid and real in front of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Touch Starved

Dean hates that Cas does this to him. Hates that he can't keep his eyes off the angel's every movement, hates that his heart beats a little bit harder, panicking when Cas leaves the room. He hates that his stomach churns when he can't see a tan trench coat, solid and real in front of him.

Sam makes it worse because he knows. He's gone through it, there were times when Dean was the same with him. Sam used to be escorted to all of his classes by a Dean-shaped shadow after a bad hunt when they were younger. It's Sam's knowing, pitying glances between Dean and Cas that have his teeth on edge and the pit of shame and self-hate expand to dizzying proportions.

The case they're on, a Wendigo or a unicorn or something, Dean isn't sure, he isn't focused and it's dangerous. He knows that. But fuck all if he can't keep his eyes on Cas at all times, terrified beyond all reason that he's gonna leave again.

"Dean? What do you think?"

He snaps his head up, tearing his eyes from Cas' body, and attempts to answer. "Uh, yeah, uh-huh, whatever you think, Sam."

There's a pause where Sam and Cas exchange glances and then Cas is sighing and grabbing Dean's hand and tugging them up the stairs and into the bedroom where there's a childish line of duct tape down the middle, dividing the room in "Castiel's Side" and "Dean's Side."

But with the angel tugging Dean along like this and tossing him on to his memory foam mattress, there is no division. 

"Cas? What's going on man? We've got a-a thing to hunt."

Cas shakes his head and paces the room, running a hand absentmindedly through his hair. Dean tracks the movement.

"That, Dean. That is what's going on."

"What?"

Cas huffs and tilts his head. If Dean wasn't so focused on the bend of his neck and the irritated amusement in the blue eyes, he might have appreciated what was a fairly good impression of Sam.

"You haven't stopped watching me since I returned to you."

Dean flushes, can feel the heat in the tips of his ears and the side of his neck. 

"I don't know what you're talking about, man." 

Deny, deny, deny. It's his signature move.

Castiel's eyebrow quirks and all Dean feels is a sudden change in the air pressure, hears a beat and flutter of wings and then Cas is gone.

The world stops and Dean feels anxiety and panic bubble in his chest, clawing and trying to escape. His head feels dizzy and he's fairly certain he might vomit.

"Cas? Cas! Son of a bitch, you get your feathery ass back here."

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Always leaving him, people are always leaving him, Cas is always leaving him.

He doesn't know what's happening but he can't breathe and Cas is fucking gone again and he needs, he needs--

He's folded in on himself, hands on his knees, head curled in towards his body, fingers clutching at his legs, leaving bruises. He's gasping for breath and he hasn't had an episode like this since he was 7 and the weight of being a caretaker to both brother and father overwhelmed him.

And then there's a voice, low and gravely in his ear. Soothing.

"Dean, listen to me. Focus on my voice, shhh. I'm here, I'm here. I'm sorry, I didn't leave. Dean! Breathe. That's it."

There's a hand on the middle of his back, rubbing the skin in smooth circles, steady and comforting.

It breaks him.

He turns and pushes his head under Castiel's, presses his nose into salty skin and inhales and it grounds him like only the smell of the Impala and his moose of a brother could. 

"That's it, Dean. Relax, deep breaths."

He feels stupid and childish, he's basically in Cas' lap at this point, arms tight around his shoulder and back, clutching and fisting at the fabric of his trench coat desperately. He feels his body shaking and it's too much, he feels like he can't trust even his hands and eyes anymore and he hates it.

Cas is warm and solid under his arms and Dean feels the thrum of his pulse under his ear. He tries to match his breathing to the beat.

"Good, Dean. Good. Shhh."

Castiel's hand is heavy on the back of Dean's neck and head, anchoring him, soothing him like a child.

Dean pulls away, angered and embarrassed.

"What the fuck, Cas?"

Cas sighs and reaches out to touch Dean's face. Dean bats the hand away, glaring. 

The angel is looking at him like whatever just happened between them confirmed all of his suspicions. "You are afraid I will leave again."

Dean scoffs, "Yeah, well, Sammy and I need your angel mojo." It's not true, they've managed just fine on their own before Cas and they can continue to do so. Dean just doesn't want to.

Cas looks hurt for a beat before swallowing hard and straightening his shoulders. "You can't stand when I leave the room. You touch me all the time, Dean. Don't shake your head, you know you do. What happened to the personal space rule?"

Cas is so open and Dean feels so cut off and he just needs someone to cling to but he's afraid, he's so, so afraid. Fear tastes pretty bitter in his mouth.

"I know," Cas starts before breaking off. He coughs and continues on. "I know I hurt you when I left. I know I have betrayed your trust and dependence more than once, but I--I don't want to leave you, Dean. I'm doing everything in my power to keep you safe. You and Sam. Once I do that, I can stay."

Dean wants to scream. He can't do this again. He's had enough. Sam's words echo in his ear, You're not a grunt.

He's not a grunt, he deserves good things. Cas is his good thing.

Dean reaches a shaky hand out and tips Castiel's head up, finger hooking under his chin.

"We've been down this road before, Cas."

Castiel nods his head, eyes wide.

"You're right, I don't want you to go. I need you, Cas. I don't know how many times I have to say it. You're one of the only good things I have left in this God forsaken world." 

Dean leans in, closer than he's allowed himself, Now or never.

His lips are so close to Castiel's, close to the chapped pink lips that have haunted his daydreams and fantasies and frantic shower beat offs. The angel's breath is hot and sweet and intoxicating. Dean feels dizzy for an entirely different reason, now.

Dean feels stupid brave and lets his hand curl around Castiel's neck, fingers stroking the skin there, testing this new development in their relationship.

The sigh he gets in return is enough encouragement to press forward, sealing his lips to Castiel's. It's by far the most innocent kiss he's had in a while. It's dry and chaste, but, at the risk of sounding like a chick flick, it's beautiful and it's safe and Dean feels the ache in his chest finally relax.

It's like everything is slotting into place and Castiel's hand is settling on the brand on his shoulder, the scar that marked Dean as Cas' and nobody else's. 

Dean lets his tongue sneak out to swipe against the seam of his angel's lips for a moment before pulling back.

He leans his forehead on Castiel's and closes his eyes. It's the first time he's felt like Cas is there with him, no questions, no doubts. Cas is real and solid beneath him, with real, soft lips beneath his own and real, hot breath exhaling against his skin.

His voice is rough and low, "I don't want safe, Cas. I want you." He dips his head one more time, daring. He's had a taste of Cas and he wants more, wants it all. He steals another kiss.

Cas sags beneath him. "Okay, Dean. Okay."

And for once, Dean gets to keep what is his. He has his very own room, his very own home, and now his very own Angel, all for him.

Judging by the way Cas is fiercely clinging to him, Dean thinks this may be the first time Cas gets to keep what he wants as well.


End file.
